From the Coach

The Coach sat back in his chair, gazing out of the window at the now empty stadium.

It was a rare moment of reflection: coaching a team that each month put 135,000 bums onto seats was not something that gave much time for stray thoughts.

The whole thing had been a huge gamble, he thought. To start a football team organised like no other, one not playing in the amateur league but destined from Day #1 to be a business taking on all the other big football teams.

But then so much of the success could be sheeted home to the Club President and Chief Architect, thought Coach - the President for his uncanny money managing ability, and the Architect for his amazing knack of developing facilities that cost little but let people really enjoy the game. With the Architect's design, people saw splendid views of all of the players and yet they could enter and exit the ground so easily. The Deputy Coach, he also shouldn't be overlooked - head down and bum up as he put strategy into effect every game. And those couple of people who worked for nothing deserved much thanks - happy to have their paramount skills exposed to such a huge and delighted crowd, an effort also enormously appreciated by the Coach.

And of course the Members could be hugely thanked, too.

Instead of being content to come and see just the free games, they'd been prepared to cough up cash and pay to see every single game. In comparison to the massive mob that flooded in the gates each week, the members were but a small minority - but rather important for all that.

The Members

Hmm, the Members, thought the Coach...

He leaned back in his chair, placing his feet on the desk and idly watching through the window one of the Shop Personnel packing an order of beanies. Thinking about the Members led him directly to another thought - the Members' Bar.

That damn Bar had been a mix of good and bad, he thought.

Initially, the Club had let just anyone come into the Bar to drink and talk - football talk, was the aim. And people had come to sound off about football boots, and coaching strategies, and injuries and tactics and crowds - and even football socks and scarves. But the trouble had been that a lot of people in the Bar had also come just to pick arguments, to yell out insults in loud voices and then be pummelled by others. And then punch back, and then....

There'd been nothing for it - either close the Bar or appoint some Bouncers.

The Coach had talked lots about the Bar with the President. The President could see the problems as clearly as the goal posts at the other end of the oval, but he also liked the idea of all those people seeing the Ads stuck up around the Bar. Plus, they'd be walking past the Shop entrance as well. The Coach? He saw the Bar mostly as a sideshow - by now the crowds flocking to the matches were massive in comparison to the group drinking and talking and fighting in the Bar... But Coach also recognised that there was more to it than that - start a community of people who loved the Club, and that would only be a positive for it.

So they'd tried using five volunteer Bouncers, each able to gag and eject Bar patrons as required.

And while things got better for a time, soon something else had to be done. So the sign went up: Members' Only.

And the Members loved the Bar. They developed some mystical rites, including wearing masks whenever they were in the Bar. This was partly so that no one would know who they were, but also because in other Bars of this type around the land, people also liked to be anonymous. Members who were always in the Bar got to know each other's masks, but for the person causally dropping in, it was a weird experience being confronted by so many occasionally bellicose and outspoken people in disguise. And unfortunately the Coach viewed the anonymity as a cop-out: in his job, being publicly accountable for his coaching was a fundamental. If he made a bad coaching decision that week's game, he would hear all about it. Just as I should, he thought. After a while, some Members also starting getting tired of the masks - sometimes they even wore name badges as well as keeping their masks on the whole time!

(And the former Bar patrons who could no longer gain access? They swore black and blue that they'd start their own Bars, and that they'd soon be bigger and better than the Club's. This wasn't much of a concern to the President and the Coach and the Architect: the former patrons apparently believed that the Bar was in fact the main Club game - not the putting on of a show that each week attracted tens of thousands of bums to seats! And anyway, those newly created Bars turned out to attract only a few members - and even with their small number of patrons, Bouncers soon had to be employed as the blood spilled everywhere... in some of them, the fights were worse than used to happen in the old Club bar!)

Members really loved the new Bar - and talking about football. Some had played it in amateur leagues, others were involved in other versions of the game, and all could speak knowledgably about at least some aspect of the sport. Questions about the availability of boots and balls were quickly answered, while even intricacies about the best playing surface always had ready knowledge.

But the Coach viewed the level of expertise on display in the Bar with some scepticism: all the enthusiasm in the world didn't make someone a designer of footballs, or an Architect of grounds, or even a Coach.... And all too often the Coach heard glaring mistakes being made about the game ... although just every now and again a real football expert popped up.

Yes, the Coach nodded to himself, opening the side drawer of the desk and extracting a bottle of dark liquid and a large glass. That guy who designed boots was one of those... He filled the glass and raised it to his lips, thoughts turning to the subject of football boots.

Football Boots

The selection of football boots is a problem fraught with difficulties, thought the Coach. Taking into account the position that the player is on the field, the speed with which he moves his boots through the air, the amount of acceleration he wants off the line compared with his performance at top speed.... all these factors made matching boots and players incredibly difficult. So Coach often grimaced to himself when he heard confident assertions being made in the Members' Bar about which boots would suit a whole myriad of players.

In the real world, Coach knew that it just didn't work like that - especially if you were fussy about your boots.

So one day when he wandered into the Members' Bar and heard a voice confidently proclaiming on boot manufacturing techniques, he carefully waited for the statement that would really show the Member's lack of knowledge: if you're 180cm and weigh 95kg, size elevens will work great. But Coach didn't hear anything like that; the member was careful to never step out on that silly limb. And then Coach began to realise that this member really did know his boots - he was authoritatively talking about temperature ratings of boots, a very esoteric area indeed.

Hmm, thought Coach, this is a guy who I think could really have a coaching input to the team. He contacted the Member (whom he now privately called Boot Man), and asked him if he wished to contribute to the team's overall boots strategy. After all, instead of just a few people in the Members' Bar benefiting, literally tens of thousands of fans would get to know a little bit more about boots.

Boot Man was polite and interested - but there was a problem, he actually worked for a company producing boots - he designed boots in fact! No wonder he knew his boots - this was a level of expertise far above other Members, who usually only talked about the boots they'd worn themselves, or the boots they fitted to people in their Shoe Shops, or the boots that they'd seen on players running by.

But, unfortunately, Boot Man thought that his Boot Company might see a team coaching input as a conflict of interest, so nothing happened.

Boot Man was a real exception, thought Coach - a Member in the Bar who had enough expertise in one area of football to have a valuable coaching input. The thought of the Bar made Coach realise that his glass was empty, and he poured himself another. The President and Architect were both on holidays, and soon the Shop Personnel would go home, and then there'd be just him and the windows and the empty grandstands....best to drink up before calling for a taxi.

But then I'm sure that there are some other expertly knowledgeable people in the Bar as well, Coach picked up the thought a little blearily. But when they all wear those masks, and just yell their views without even stating where their knowledge is gained from, well it's kinda hard to tell, he thought.

More Bar Problems

In fact, mused the Coach, the latest crop of problems really started to come about when a few people in the Members' Bar began thinking that they were the football team - that the Club was there just to create the Members' Bar! Really only confined to a table of regular patrons, the group ignored the immense crowds thronging the stadium, pretended not to see the football matches being played by the team, and instead concentrated solely on their drinking and discussion of the game.

And of course, thought the Coach, there's nothing wrong with that at all. Strange that they'd want to pay money just to listen to their buddies talking - after all, there are plenty of other free-access Bars that they could congregate in - but fine, none the less.

But it was when they also started to give coaching advice and expected the Coach to immediately accept it (and even at times telling the President and Architect how they should be doing their jobs!) that the Coach saw that the Club had a minor problem on its hands.

Perhaps he would have been better off doing as he'd seen many coaches of other sporting teams do, he thought, clinking the bottle again. Listen to the tiny group of vocal Members, nod like mad - then instantly discard all of the advice. Yes, that would have been much better; the Members would have taken months - probably years - to realise that whatever they said was actually being ignored. Just too blunt and honest for my own good, thought the Coach ruefully.

For the Coach had taken the step of going to the President to discuss the problem.

"Y'know," Coach had said, "I wonder if the attitude of that table in the Members' Bar isn't more widely shared amongst our weekly fans. The approach that kinda states: 'You're just a football team like any of the other amateur leagues around the place. You've got no more credibility than a team dragging along fifteen parents to your Sunday morning game - and hell, I could give you some good advice on how to improve your team, anyway.' "

"But then," added the Coach, suddenly remembering the President's money management role, "If we put out a statement that really kicked that view in the teeth, we're going to end up with a few very cross Bar patrons."

The President didn't even hesitate. "Much better to speak out and be heard, than remain silent," he said. "Saying bloody loudly what we've achieved and how we've done it will benefit our credibility with the hundreds of thousands of fans who come to our matches, and if that group in the Members' Bar gets upset - well, so be it. It is only a tiny minority of our members who think like that - I see the positive letters that you get every week.... Hell, we're finding it hard enough to get any decent extra coaching staff - listening to that table in the Bar, you'd think it would be dead easy!"

So Coach carefully wrote a letter that very clearly stated that the Club's success was no mere lucky chance, that in fact the football Club was now getting larger crowds than any other club like it in the world. He pointed out that the Deputy Coach knew his stuff, that the President was doing management things that other football club presidents found hard to believe. And Coach also wrote that before he'd accept coaching advice that he thought wrong, he'd sure as hell wanna see some credentials or experience from those giving it. Always happy to listen, he thought as he hunt-and-pecked the old typewriter's keys, but if you want your advice followed, then it'd better be backed up by something more than just having watched lots of football or having coached mini-league.

The letter went out to all the Members, and also to many of the thousands who simply came to the free matches. Coach waited for the explosion... and he wasn't disappointed.

Riot in the Bar

The outraged howls from that table in the Members' Bar almost lifted the roof!

How dare the Coach so arrogantly say that the Club was doing incredibly well? How on earth did the Coach have the audacity to suggest that the people running the Club were obviously very, very good at what they did? Didn't the Coach realise that without that table of patrons in the Members' Bar, the Club would be nowhere? And if Coach didn't want to hear the opinion of Bar patrons, why have a Bar?

Some people even brought up the old issue that the Bar should be open to everyone, and that discussions weren't nearly as good with fewer people coming to the Bar. (On hearing this the Bouncers smiled wryly; their workload had been reduced 95 per cent with the change in Bar entrance criteria!) But strongest of all was the absolute rejection that Members in the Bar should have to show any credibility before their coaching advice was taken.

At this last one, Coach laughed aloud - although it was hard to laugh through gritted teeth. In fact, when he thought about it further, his laugh became an acid grimace. Apparently, he thought, quite different criteria apply in the Football Club Members' Bar than in any other form of human endeavour. Everyone's advice should be immediately accepted - not just listened to, thought about, the credibility of the giver of the advice assessed, and then the advice accepted or rejected. Nope, just straight out accepted. And of course, if ten or fifteen Members in the Bar were saying the same thing, that made it right.

The Coach opened the lower desk drawer - the tall one designed to accept files. He extracted a wine glass and a 3-litre cardboard cask of Hardys Cabernet Sauvignon from the otherwise empty space, and poured a glass....

While the cries of indignation from the crowd in the Bar attracted others to their cause, the Coach opened his mail. Along with a few letters from the noisy table at the Members' Bar, there were many more that were positive of the Coach's statement. Though some of the latter did point out that wasting time discussing what a few in the Bar thought was a long way from the Coach's main job of taking the team to further success. And maybe they have a point, thought Coach.

So he resolved to stay out of the Bar as much as possible, slipping in just the once to ask those at the table why they thought that the Club had chosen to issue the statement at all...

But few answers were received to a question some Bar Patrons obviously regarded as purely rhetorical, or worse, one intent on just dissembling.

The Presidential Statement

The President had also been ducking into the Members' Bar occasionally to hear the noisy table, and now decided to enter the debate.

But like the Coach, just the once.

Briefly the Prez pointed out that Coach had discussed the statement with him before releasing it. The Prez supported the statement and regarded the coaching team as one of the major reason's for the Club's success, a success now recognized in no small way by other sporting teams all around the world.

But like the Coach's comments, the statement from the Prez could barely be heard above incredulous tumult of indignation.

A few at the table decided to leave the Members' Bar and discuss the matter directly with Coach. However, all were disconcerted when instead of Coach being more easily persuaded in a one-on-one discussion, if anything he was even stronger in his views. One Member at the table had a bet both ways, writing to the Coach a note that contained a sentiment quite different to the view he was loudly saying at the heated table. Gawd, thought the Coach, peer pressure amongst the Masked Members!

But their views rejected by the Coach and President, the table of Bar Patrons were left only to say that they'd not renew their Club memberships - they'd been so insulted. Only one acknowledged that his coaching advice was anything but always first class, only a few suggested that they'd absorbed any of the points being made in the Coach's statement. In fact, some were so far away in understanding from the Club's view that the Coach thought that perhaps he should stick just to making the football team the best in the world, and forget forever about going into the Members' Bar... Although, he honestly admitted to himself, he hated the idea of Members not renewing their memberships - any Members, even those who gave coaching advice.

Overall Member Reaction

But of course, the majority of the Members who went to the Bar simply ignored the loud table; for them the statement had merely confirmed that this was a very confident Football Club where things were happening - they'd not heard the crowd figures before and they were, well, damn impressive.

And if those people behind the team thought that they were so bloody good, well, that was also OK - just so long as each week they kept putting on those great games...