Have you ever wondered about the amount of car insurance you're paying? Why it seems to go up every year, even though you've never made a claim and you've only got one friend out of the dozens of people you know closely who've ever made a claim?
Yes, it's tempting to put the blame on certain groups for such things as insurance fraud; but when you dissolve the issue down to its lowest constituents, you find the reason is basically cost. That is, the insurance company weighs up the costs to them versus the money coming in, and then your premium gets hiked the next year to cover those costs. Or at least, to cover the costs they think they might incur. The actual relationship between real costs / estimated costs / shareholders' dividends is an issue best tackled when I've had time to dress up in the red uniform, and have chair and whip readily at hand.
But you see, the estimated costs are where my brilliant new plan comes in. I can offer insurance companies a sure-fire way of calculating the risk a customer will pose, based purely on the car that they are trying to insure. No need to gather personal details, no need to look at prior driving records, no requirements for getting the age of the driver (or all regular drivers) in order to work out a premium.
No, I have a categorisation system that works perfectly. I think I shall call it "stereotypicalisation". It allows insurance companies to calculate risk purely on the car being insured - because the stereotypical drivers of that type of car will all have the same accident rates, prior convictions, even the rake-angle of the driver's seat...
Almost all of you insure your cars; some of you work in insurance companies. So, I can tell that by now you're dying for a sample of my system. But first let me say that this is simply a categorisation system; I can only suggest an insurance "category", each insurance company would obviously need to calculate the exact level of risk according to the data that I provide.
So, without giving my entire list away, and without further ado, some sample categorisations...
The Non-Base-Model Commodore Ute
The owner of this vehicle is a poseur. He (and I say "he" with great certainty) would like to think his nicely polished "utility" vehicle is a sports coupé, even though the only reason he bought it was 'cos he couldn't actually afford a coupé. He still favours the flannelette shirt and wears brown boots, and goes by a single-syllable name with 'o' attached at the end; Johno, Robbo.
He drives like a maniac, because he knows he's good. But he's also so tough that he knows he can drive when he's as pissed as the proverbial newt; it's a born ability of the man's man. The "No Fat Chicks" sticker is probably the cause of all those sideswipes during sudden lane changes; such an alert specimen as Robbo is unlikely to actually cause an accident.
The Small Urban 4WD
Sheryl, Celine or Dianne drives one of these. The thing is, she (or the occasional male owner who deep inside wants to be a "she") has basically two modes of driving; either really quickly or aggressively, or slowly in the "I'm-on-the-phone" trance.
Sheryl doesn't need a car-kit for the mobile, even though she's on it more than off it. Sheryl also doesn't need decent suspension in her vehicle-of-choice either, despite the fact that she aggressively lurches all over the road and tailgates whilst wildly gesticulating at anyone stupid enough to be in the lane she wants to be in. Being up high allows her to ... well, nobody is yet to work out what happened to the visual advantage the extra height gives, because Sheryl somehow always darts into a lane just before it slows down due to the bus stopping up ahead.
Sheryl makes lots of claims, but they're somehow only small claims, usually caused by parked cars in shopping centres that jumped out while she was minding her own business talking to her friend Dianne.
The Large Urban 4WD
Actually, this one should by rights be broken down into sub-categories. However, I think you'll agree that the insurance risk is the same for either category...
Firstly, there's Suburban Mum. Suburban Mum can have any name at all really, but what's important is that Suburban Mum is always distracted by the Screaming Children. Suburban Mum can probably drive reasonably - without Screaming Children attached. But Screaming Children are parasitic, and are very hard to remove; so Suburban Mum always goes into that distracted state that causes very slow forward progress and an increase in that wandering-all-over-the-road problem that these vehicles inherently have ex-factory. Suburban Mum generally has accidents at minor speeds, because she never goes faster than "minor speeds"; the occasional mowing down of other neighbourhood children causes only minimal damage to the front of a large 4WD, so it is not really a major insurance risk.
Secondly, there's Suburban Dad. Suburban Dad is kinda afraid of his mid-life crisis, and finds it hard to justify the toys he feels the need to buy, especially because Suburban Mum has his gonads in a vice-like grip. Consequently, he cannot buy the Harley he feels represents his real macho nature (as opposed to the meek office-worker exterior that everyone else sees). However, the one testament to his true manhood that he's allowed to buy is the big boofy 4WD, so he can drive it on the weekend, and in which his wife ferries the kids around during the week. Indeed, if he ever got around to packing the kids, their toys, the 8-room tent, the dog, and the kitchen sink - then, well, he could just take off wherever he wanted, with the freedom his truck gives him. Similarly to his wife, apart from a few small scratches where other cars foolishly stayed in his way while he was changing lanes without indicators, he poses relatively little insurance risk.
Small Bespoilered 4-Potter With No Suspension Mods
This vehicle is going to be driven, badly, by a young-un with industrial deafness. He or she believes that they have a sports car because it's covered in every imaginable visual aid, so drives aggressively to the point of being dangerous. Not only that, but the car gets parked somewhere on Friday and Saturday nights where a whole lot of like-minded people are likely to see it ... meaning there's an elevated theft risk as well.
Small Bespoilered 4-Potter With Suspension Mods
The driver of this vehicle is almost exactly the same as the driver of the previous vehicle, except he or she has applied their very limited (and incorrect) knowledge of performance handling. So their car has been lowered and stiffened way beyond any positive effect on handling; their plastic trolley has become a slidey, skatey dunger. This doesn't dampen the enthusiasm for attacking corners at speeds that are way too high for their own driving prowess, or their car's ability, which means that meetings with telegraph poles and other vehicles are even more likely.
But oh, look; I'm giving my entire system away! I must not do that, not if I'm able to cash in on this new discovery! However, I think the aforementioned example categories are enough to show just how good the system is.
All of the insurance companies who're interested in purchasing the categorisation system can contact me care of this esteemed publication. And not long afterwards, the rest of us will be looking forward to the lowering of premiums - and the start of a warm, bubbly period in our insurance lives...
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