The Sydney International Motor Show

If there's one thing I find hard to pass up, it's a free lunch. Throw in some free booze and I'll happily sit through hours of boring speeches contentedly patting my rounded belly, softly belching while my eyelids grow heavier. Yes sir, that represents the possibility of a very fine afternoon indeed.

So the opportunity of attending press day at the Sydney International Motor Show was obviously one to be snapped up very quickly - the prospect of that free lunch while observing industry schmooze was icing on the cake to an unobstructed tour.

Sydney's motor show is something I attend pretty much every year just as a punter; it's nice to spend a few hours ogling cars I can't afford and listening in to the chatter of the car-loving crowd. Hear them reciting statistics, power outputs, top speeds. But what you don't see as a punter is the trade nature of the show - its real purpose as publicity machine rather than entertainment. Trade shows, frankly, are boring, horrible affairs populated by toothy marketing types and the motor show is really no exception. On the press day it could have been plumbing supplies or computer hardware they were flogging. It doesn't help that Sydney doesn't get too many real exclusives; most of the show cars have already been previewed at more important shows overseas.

So, as usual, I turned up half an hour late and missed the first few presentations. The show has an organised morning tour that moves sequentially through the stands, allowing car companies (actually, it's now mostly just subsidiaries) to extol the virtues and unique brand values that they represent. To transition us neatly between stands was an astonishingly orange version of "Tour Guide Barbie", complete with (Forg's description here) "John Travolta's hair from Battlefield Earth". A fabulous looking creature with smooth microphone manner, her intrusions were welcome amongst the largely mundane speeches and announcements of the industry luminaries.

Between presentations, the assorted industry crowd schmoozed, "Hi'd" and shook hands as if it were a huge reunion. Perhaps it was, overheard conversations suggesting that they all swap jobs with regular abandon. It was more fascinating than some of the cars on display.

Best presentation? Volvo, instead of a speech, presented a very silly dance sequence that told us what a funky car the new S60 is. Two yuppies inside, two spunky youths outside gyrating with windscreen washers. Why was this cool? Because one of the spunky youth was wearing a pink tube top that threatened to expose a spunky youth nipple (unfortunately, not something I got a photo of). At least it was different I suppose. Can't remember too much about the car itself though, just another S80 shaped car that apparently has design motifs stolen from that paragon of fine style, the 240 sedan. Luckily I couldn't spot them. Volvo has apparently gone all new-Alfa on us, the S60 being yet another 4 door coupe and not just a sedan.

Over at Subaru we had the Juha and Juha show. Juha and Juha endured the endless tittering of the crowd whenever their names were mentioned until they revealed the new Subaru Impreza rally car. The car itself had the sexiest brakes I've ever seen. Juha and Juha apparently had 48 hours of Jumbo to endure before taking those sexy brakes testing in the forests of the U.K. They looked tired and who could blame them after flying over from Rally Australia. Subaru also had an impressive array of cut-away engineering (engines, a chassis complete with all wheel drive hardware) that almost managed to divert attention away from the Impreza's nasty bug-eyed face. Subaru are apparently the fastest growing car company in Australia.

BMW has a hydrogen-powered 750 sedan on their display, apparently ready to go into production as soon as the federal governments of all the industrialised nations 100% subsidise the construction of robotised, cryogenic hydrogen fuel stations. Sounds like a plan, fellas. Their alternative plan is to populate the world with enormous X5 sport utility vehicles, possibly in the hope that these guzzling monsters will exhaust the world's oil supply, forcing the world to revert to the robotised hydrogen idea. I don't know if they have recently employed "Doctor Evil", but these plans would provide plenty of laughs in the next Austin Powers movie. I didn't ask whether the robotised, cryogenic hydrogen automatons needed frickin laser beams on their heads.

Over at Citroen, the fastest growing brand of cars in Australia, they had variants on the Xsara theme (including a coupe, perhaps the most un-Citroen concept I can think of). Plus they had a shrunken piece of public transport called the Berlingo Multispace. Plenty of room inside, mostly covered in the nasty sort of material that bus companies the world over are familiar with. I couldn't find anything in the press kit to indicate whether it came with free chewing gum stuck under the seats, but it looked like spilled drinks and vomit could easily be hosed out, so it might be great for messy families who aren't in a hurry.

Proton, the fastest growing car company in Australia (er, hang on...) proudly explained the significance of the stylised tiger of their new badge. Apparently, you can find tigers roaming wild in Malaysia still. Despite myself, the Satria GTi looks like a nice little piece of kit. Proton also sell the looks, but none of the performance, on a downgraded model which I think is a bit of a shame.

Holden, after showing the '70s throwback Monaro (unofficial name, of course) has revealed the '70s throw back "Sandman" panel van. I personally didn't see the connection. For starters, the mural on the side was almost tasteful and featured no explicit nudity or swords. Secondly, there were no dodgy chipboard drink cabinets inside and the mattress didn't stink. Nobody's mum made the curtains either. I can't tell you how disappointing this was. I'm sure the world's brown shag pile carpet manufacturers would readily gear up for a Sandman driven panel van craze, if given the chance to deck one out in authentic style.

By this stage, I was getting hungry but all the professional journalists managed to scarf all the free food before I even got a sniff. Enough sushi disappeared in seconds to seriously doubt the world's fisheries ability to keep up. Subaru handed out Kirin beer; the resulting scuffle resembled a third world food drop. It wasn't midday yet, either.

The morning was starting to stretch out, interrupted happily by the BFGoodrich girls handing out tattoos and making pretty for the camera. You don't realise what a hard life we motoring journos have until you see the boring subject matter we have to report on.

Mazda revealed the decidedly sexy RX-Evolv, complete with Michael Klim. I didn't see a swimming pool inside - can't see the link, sorry. They also had a nifty old Cosmo coupe behind it to remind us all of when cars were not so cynically aimed at specific market segments. The RX-Evolv is like a small, practical version of the Chrysler Charger R/T concept that has been floating around for a couple of years. Powered by a naturally aspirated rotary engine, it looks like it would be lots of fun.

Saab was the last presentation I went too. I was out of film, my head was full of facts to forget and my stomach was grumbling about that free lunch. Saab have a new engine innovation they call "SCC" for Saab Combustion Control. Not a cork up the bot, it involves recycling the exhaust gas back through the combustion chamber, leaning out the raw petrol mix down to one percent of the volume. To aid the engine to digest this revolting gunk we'd normally breathe, it featured a variable spark mechanism that looked for all the world like Robbie the Robot's pincer hands. The spark either jumps to the pincer from a central electrode or jumps to the piston, depending on what the computer says. Built to comply with the ULEV2 (Ultra Low Emission Vehicle 2) requirements, Saab was probably the most honest about the technology which really drives engine development in the modern world. I didn't look closely enough to see whether they were still installing the engines backwards like our old Saab 900i; I don't think they do. But those spark plugs look like they may be the world's most expensive - no more two dollar Champions for Saab drivers.

I disappeared at this point to get my awful photos developed, and returned for the free lunch. Yes friends, free. While we ate, Bibendum, the Michelin Man, jumped around and was as jolly as a poor bastard in a blow-up plastic suit can be. The sheer amount of salmon deployed by Michelin must have pushed the poor species onto the endangered list. Accompanied by a few glasses of white (and one glass of cheeky red), your humble correspondent gratefully consumed the salmon, followed by a simple chicken dish, accompanied by a nice bread roll. After that, the wine was conspicuous by its absence. No dessert either.

Oh oh, here come the speeches and my eyelids aren't drooping yet! Lots of brouhaha, union bashing and currency complaints came high on the list of Peter Sturrock (chief executive, Federal Chamber of Automotive Industries), Peter Hannenberger of Holden and Senator Nick Minchin of our esteemed Federal government. Record export profits are apparently no reason to be asking for a pay rise, Mr Unionist.

But nowhere during the morning did I once hear any basic car nut conversation - I guess it's just an industry like any other. I did miss the car talk, though...

So, should you get your lazy butt over to the Sydney International Motor Show this week? Yes you should. Rub shoulders with your fellow petrol heads and get to see the bits that the industry types miss: the enthusiasm that provides the real buzz of the show. There'll be no free lunch though...

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