Recently I scored a job as a car detailer. Tough shit you reckon? Well, maybe. But in a crash shop specialising in BMW, Volvo, Peugeot and Honda, maybe not as bad as you might first reckon. The wash bay's at the back of the building and customers wait for their cars at the front; that means on the drive from back to front there's time for a full test encompassing ride and handling, steering feedback, clutch and gearbox synchronisation, 0-100s and the whole bit. All round half a block. Well, maybe not quite, but you get the picture.
The Round the Block Road Test (RTBRT) has sorted out everything from a Peugeot 306 (good) to a whole fleet of Volvos (bad). In between there've been Honda Accords, a Ford Explorer, BMW 328i, SLK Mercedes - and a heap of others. And then of course there's the Extended Road Test, almost a Long Term Road Test in fact. That's when I get to take a car for a wheel alignment at a workshop at least a few kays away. And shit (see, picked up the right car detailing language already), I nearly forgot the Very Extended Road Test (VERT). VERT is being conducted on the shop's Kingswood ute. The one with 326,000km on the clock and a last auto trans service due in 1992. Or so the windscreen sticker says.
Let's start with the best first. The BMWs are all beautifully put together - inside and out. The cockpits are integrated, tasteful, ergonomically sound and have lovely steering wheels. 'Course, some don't have an engine. I discovered this when driving a late 318i on the RTBRT. I backed the auto out, aimed it at the just-measurable incline that forms the rear lane, and waited for something to happen. Nothing did. So I pushed the right-hand pedal down a bit more. Finally, at about half throttle, the car started to move. Full throttle was needed just to get the car up the piss-farting hill. And it was nothin' like a tyre-smoking, the-boss-will-sack-you type of departure. Nothin' at all. God knows what the 316i's are like...
But then again today there was a BMW of a totally different sort. A current 328i, it was all immaculate cream leather and dark green paint. Sunroof slid back, an ERT in the happening, things were good. Steering had a real meaty feel - almost like no power assistance at all - and the torque curve was flat and strong, helped no doubt by the factory huge ram-air induction system. 'Cept I kept wondering why a triangular yellowy-orange symbol was flashing on the dash - 'til I discovered where the ASC-off button was... Stereo was bloody lousy though - like they'd decided that they needed door splits to keep up with the Joneses and went off to K-mart to get the cheapest they could find.
That sure as hell wasn't the case in the Merc SLK I pedalled the other day - regrettably only on a RTBRT. Despite having just door-mounted splits, the bass was bloody phenomenal. Found out all about that in the lunch break. Car was nice and refined, front brakes huge, but retro instrumentation on top of fake carbon fibre kinda vomitish. But the way the boot hinges are designed and the roof's electric retraction mechanism is something that any student of good engineering should check out.
Far and bloody away from good engineering are the Vulvas... ooops Volvos. The older 740 series and the like are trucklike - just wash one and feeeeeel those un-aerodynamic boring panels. Inside they're all chunky vinyl corners - ergonomically awkward and basically just plain bloody ugly. When you drive 'em on a RTBRT they look just like they feel - strong enough to run over a Mack undamaged but also slow, heavy and unwieldy. Thought it was just the older ones - then I drove a recent five cylinder. Don't know the model - I was too busy trying not to throw up over the detailed interior. I-mean-ter-say, is that engine coarse or what? The suspension groaned and creaked, the car didn't want to turn corners - gotta be for people who hate cars.
Another on the chuck list was the Ford Explorer. Great interior - if very American - but well trimmed and with heaps of equipment. Under the bonnet a (SOHC per bank?) V6 with tricky-looking induction system - thought it might be like a current Lexus Land Cruiser to drive. I wish. The engine was so loud that I thought I'd left a door open, the steering vague, the feeling of being in a full truck emphasised with every driving input. Who the hell would want one of those?
Then there's the Peugeot 306. What a honey. I got to take one of these on an ERT - two times in fact. A wheel-at-each-corner stance, good driving position, supportive seats, twice as much room inside as you'd expect from outside, superb ride for the wheelbase, clear instruments, excellent steering and chuckable handling. Didn't have an engine though, just some poor broken-down nag dragged out of a state-of-the-art Euro car of 25 years ago. No we don't get too many GTi6's coming through...
Then there's the Hondas. Jeez, they know how to make lovely engines don't they? A bit like driving a microwave oven or fridge, but those engines are so sweet and smooth. Accords, Preludes and Civics - they're all the same. Then I met a real oldy the other day. One of the first plastic bumper 3-door Accords. Great use of interior space, good clear instruments and controls, power steering and auto. The engine of the old banger was silky, it steered nicely and drove well. Sure as hell the ancient Accord's engine was smoother and quieter than a late Volvo.
But gotta go. Peugeot parts needed and the ute VERT to be continued...
